Foolishness
I know it has been months ago, and a lot of things have happened that should have buried that memory in my mind already, but it stands out like a neon color among a hundred of other monochromatic events in my life. This thought is getting old, but I won’t let go of it for just a little longer. Maybe I’m just putting meaning into nothing. Maybe this is just a figment of my own devices. Maybe I’m just hanging on to a timeline that will never happen in this universe.
I don’t know. I really don’t. But I’ll keep on believing and holding on to it, until I don’t have to anymore… because it finally happened in real life, on a version of this fantastic freaking universe where we actually both exist.
I have this gut feeling it will.
There are a few times in my life when I take a mental photograph of that moment and try to permanently store it in my memory how everything felt. I do this for the purpose of future reference, when I need a little push of nostalgia to both look back and move forward in life. Remember how Charlie said, “And in that moment, I swear we were infinite”? Yeah, I’m describing such moments in life that are too precious to let go. One of these includes my graduation day (which exactly happened one month ago and I still can’t believe it did take place in real life; I was half-asleep the entire time).
I captured it in a memory capsule. When I close my eyes, I remember everything - how the fringes of my dress fell just above my knees, how I liked the smell of hairspray on my curls, how the Sunday afternoon sun rays made the sunflowers dance, how every congratulatory hug from special people could have lasted a second longer, and how I felt both happy and sad, because apart from celebrating a monumental day, I knew it wasn’t going to happen ever again. I remember it all like the back of my hand. It was so dreamy. I wish I could go back in to that day and savor it for just a little longer.
The photo above is just like graduation day. I could stay in that moment, maybe not forever, but perhaps for an indefinite time ‘til my heart is content. The stillness of the ocean, the wind caressing every inch of my sun-kissed skin, the smell and aftertaste of saltwater in my mouth, the texture of sand and dead seaweeds against my indian-crossed legs, the setting sun across the horizon, the conversation of good friends in the background - I could live in that moment and just forget about the world.
These are such moments we need more in our lives, when we feel that life is actually existing, beating, breathing, happening inside of us. These moments make us feel humans.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
“One never writes alone.”
This thesis was a labor of love, favor and grace from everyone who helped me made this endeavor a reality. As a sign of my gratitude, I wrote everyone a haiku.
To my Abba Father for being always faithful even when I’m not:
These words and chapters
are testimonies of grace
undeserved. Thank You.
To my 16 respondents for sharing with me three hours of your lives:
Thank you for your time.
The laughter you shared with me,
I’ll never forget.
To Kayla, Ervic, Patty and their families who helped me find my respondents:
Kindness and good will
fill you to the brim. Thank you
for being selfless.
To my sister, Andrea, who assisted me during data gathering:
A beacon of hope,
you are. When there was no one,
you came with a smile.
To my family for being my moral, spiritual and financial support system:
From a long distance,
I felt your love and prayers.
Here’s to our success.
To my thesis adviser, Prof. Josefina Santos, for accepting me as her advisee and patiently guiding me in every consultation and thesis draft:
Marks of your wisdom
I’ll carry with me, as a
better iskolar.
To Emman and Rod for the many sleepless nights we spent together at Jollibee Katipunan, writing not only our thesis drafts, but the stories of our lives, as well:
We are marching on
with eyebags and pride. With you,
bida ang saya!
To my circle of friends, the Assers. In the words of Taylor Swift, “I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you”:
Young, reckless and free
For the times we truly felt
alive, cheers to that!
To my favorite friend, Nadine, for believing in me more that I can ever believe in myself:
Four years apart, and
everything has changed , but you’re
still my number one.
To you:
When I look at you
I see someone I want to
know. One day, I will.
And most importantly, to the university, for nurturing me like a mother is to her daughter and for instilling in me a refined brand of nationalism:
With this diploma
I’ll live on the legacy.
Honor. Excellence.
__
My thesis acknowledgments! I’m sorry for the lame haikus but trust me that all of these were written from the bottom, top and sides of my heart (nag-joke pa eh, noh?).
Thank You. Thank you. I am greatly humbled.
Flux
I’ve been consumed by nostalgia, sadness, excitement and occasionally, happiness in the past few weeks. I wish there was a name to call this hodgepodge of emotions. I think my head is in my stomach and my lungs are upside down. I used to say I’ve been gathering life experiences in very large doses, and the past few weeks are examples of this statement. God! I’m overwhelmed about these changes that abound.
Just today, I was humming UP Naming Mahal while in the jeep and I felt like crying. I had a vision of what graduation day would be like. I’m expecting raccoon eyes for sure.
And tonight, blogging served its purpose of recollection when I visited my 2008 blog and read the entries I wrote when I was just preparing to move out for college. I quoted Ecclesiastes 3 (stating that there is a time and season for everything) and my words painted the emotional in me —
“It is finally my turn to clean out my closet, pack my belongings, say goodbye to my bed and move out to college… This is it. I’m leaving tomorrow. I’ll sleep in a new bed, do homework on a different desk and store my clothes in a different closet. Goodbye Bacolod.”
I remember typing those words with a huge amount of uncertainty of what life was going to be like in an unfamiliar place “where nobody knew my name” (that was how I used to phrase it). I want to hug my younger self and tell her everything will turn out alright in the next four years. Aagh, this nostalgia makes me want to cry.
There is such a thing as flux and it means a continued flowing in of the tide. Quoting a piece I read off the internet —
flux, n.
The natural state. Our moods change. Our lives change. Our feelings for each other change. Our bearing change. The song changes. The air changes. The temperature of the shower changes.
Accept this. We must accept this.
Sigh. This life is in flux and I am caught in the middle of it. Stubbornly, I am swimming against the natural course of the tide and holding on to something lovely, but is already passing.
I want to slap my face and tell her to let go already.
Remember Ecclesiastes 3.
When awake is the new sleep
I don’t know how I am able to type this right now, nor how I slept walk from KFC to our building, but I am here in one piece to tell you that I made history (again) today.
I just keep on beating my best all-nighter, winging-it session ever.
I’m not sure if I am supposed to be proud of this as some sort of achievement (never underestimate the power of staying awake), but my college life has been a series of one zombie night after another. I know it’s unbecoming of me, but the thrills of racing against time and against my human limits of “how far I can go without sleep” make the act of doing these projects more engaging, insane and memorable.
For the past few months, life has come down to seeking refuge and solace in the wee hours of the night when sleep has become an unlikely foe. It’s during these times that I lose track of the concept of day and night, and I view time as a continuum of hours and minutes.
Wherever the all-nighter may be, I reminded how time is, was and will never be on my side.
When the well-rested sun creeps out of the skies, I am always struck with a jolt of panic. This is due to the actuality of a haunting deadline and the reminder that another day has been crossed out on that bittersweet countdown to April 22nd.
These all-nighters define my senior year - that I am willingly suspending the beauty of escaping from reality in pursuit of honor and excellence… and that mark to get me out of this university, gracefully.
So to projects born out of all-nighters, to company and productivity, to the wee hours and to memories, you are a keepsake in my dreams.
Good night world. See you in 15 hours. Zzzz
Senior Blues
Last night, I went to bed with the hopes of waking up to my regular life. After painfully doing thesis and org work simulatenously in the past three weeks, I was convinced all is well after the projects and drafts are over.
But it’s not what I hope the morning would turn out. I think I may have lost my regular life completely.
I’ve been so preoccupied living my life for the deadlines that I missed out on that moment when I have gradually stopped being a young being, and transitioned to an adult.
It’s scary. After the confetti of the glory and hey days of my youth has settled, everything sinks in that I’m going to leave such a comfortable place and tread over unchartered waters. This is it, when an abstract idea such as the future is finally actualized after 17 years of just looking at it from a lens inside a classroom.
Everything is going to change - the whole social, emotional, mental and spiritual wiring of life itself - and I’m just not yet not sure I’m up to bidding goodbye to what I have right now. I know for myself that I won’t react to this amount of change pleasantly. My separation anxiety disorder will be multiplied to level 1000000. I’m expecting I’m going to cry my eyeballs out for several nights. I’m going to listen to a lot of depressing Morrissey music. And God forbid, I might just find solace in food. I know I’m going to terribly miss a lot of people and feelings and places and people and things and have I mentioned people?
But it’s going to happen really soon just as the rest of my life has played out in the past 20 years. I will always be caught off guard and unprepared. I will always be emotionally distressed over it. But I will find relief that this part of my life has been written cautiously and purposely by the great Author. I am secure that this grand scheme will always turn out in my favor, but I know for sure it’s never going to be easy. It will be a hurricane.
I’m terrified.
Dear Daisy,
I want you to know that someday, you’re going to look back to these days and remember and cringe how much you dislike the person you had become. What happened to you? You’re a hollow cage of flesh and bones. A broken cistern that could never stay filled. You’re a crooked soul trying to stay up straight with bended, frail limbs. Everything inside you is everything you hate. You deliberately give yourself away to this world that ruins you. Congratulations. You experienced your definition of a good life, but you’re losing grasp of the only Love you know. Your life is a sand hill, gradually and steadily being blown and carried by the wind until what is left is only a remnant of what should have been a golden existence.
Let it go, Daisy. Just let it go. I’m down on my knees and I’m begging you. My arms are clasped together. My eyes are filled with tears. I am trembling for you. Save what is left of you. This life is not yours for the wasting. This world does not hold your soul. Take your final bow from this abysmal stage. Get off your high chair of self-interest. Take off that fading crown of shame and curse.
Open up your fist, Daisy. The chain is already broken.
Let it go.
