1153 AM, White floor
Thoughts that go in and out of my mind in the past few days.
- Wow, I have several friends who got into relationships right after graduation. Dudes, your timing couldn’t be any perfect. Now, only a few of us remain. It crosses my mind several times in a day that maybe I was simply made to be single for ….. life. I’m actually entertaining the thought of it. My epitaph would read “that woman who never loved.” I have no one. No one. Not even someone who could be a potential. I am past that age where I get sad all over it, so I rationalize this phenomenon and wonder if maybe I just might be wired differently. Well, I’d rather live with my future 27 cats than be with a guy I know I only settled for. That would be my own definition of loneliness. I plan to die young, anyway (Other voice in my head: Nah, I’m lying. Truth is, I could really use somebody right now).
- We’ve been packed up for two weeks because our lead star is currently out of the country. It has dawned on me that I need a regular job. In fact, after this project, I am practically unemployed. I don’t like the fact that I’m bumming around for two weeks, still living off my parents’ allowance, doing nothing to climb that career ladder. I am currently stagnant and I’m going cray cray. I miss the set and everything about it. I want to work nonstop. I might have a tendency to be a workaholic and I have no problem with that. The world will not stop for day-offs.
- Sometimes, I forget that I’m only 20 and I still have the rest of my life ahead of me. Chill, Char. (Other other voice in my head: Nooo, get off your butt, find a job and a boyfriend. Now!!!)
0349 PM, Hallway
I just have to write about it here.
This morning at 2 AM, while doing our last sequence of the day, I had that warm-fuzzy-feeling moment (this moment could be categorized with those life-flashing-before-your-eyes scenarios). The sequence we did was so beautifully and cinematically done. Coco Martin’s acting was a major. The cinematography was perfect. The feeling of the dead summer air was just right. Everything was flawless.
In the middle of doing the take did it hit me that this is definitely what I want to do for the rest of my life.
I went home literally smiling. While gazing out the window of our van, with the yellow streetlights illuminating the deserted concrete pavements of Pampanga (very cinematic, eh?), and the snore of my vanmates orchestrating in the background, I know that I am on the right track.
0945 PM, Beside the door
Hi everyone who bothers to read this.
I’m fine and still alive, though I have these huge dark bags under my eyes. It has become an integral part of my face now. It’s day 5 of 10 filming days tomorrow and so far, I’m getting the hang of it already. My body and lifestyle have adjusted to this world that functions in a different space and time continuum. I sleep for an average of 7 hours in 2 day. I work for 24 hours straight, 3 AM to 3 AM of the next day. It’s totally crazy. If ever something happens to me, my cause of death would be crossing the street half asleep.
However, no matter how physically demanding this line of work is, I will always be up for it. There will be low points every single day where I question myself if this is really what I want to do, but I always keep in mind that it’s exhaustion that’s talking, not my rational self. Sometimes, kailangan itulog or ipahinga na lang yan. Minsan, pwede iiyak na lang din.
It’s good that I’m friends with everyone on the set - the lightsmen, audiomen, drivers, utility people, the technical and art departments, talents, etc. - because I have someone to lean on when I just need to vent the physical exhaustion and frustrations out. There will always be someone who’s going to listen to my sentiments and most of the time, I get sound and experienced advice in return. Most of the people I work with are veterans in production life. Hearing their stories make me realize that this is not the hardest part yet, so I’d better woman up. (PA tip: Take time to do big and small talk with the people on the set while in between takes. They’re a pretty interesting bunch.)
I do miss my normal life. I miss my friends, I miss the Assers. I should be out late at night with friends in who-knows-where, saluting the final days of our youth, but here I am blogging about work 5 hours before our call time again. But I take the word of Ralph Waldo Emerson, “for everything you have missed, you have gained something else.”
So I have no regrets at all. I’m having the time of my life - both the hardest and the best. I feel like I’m a pencil being sharpened to become the best there is.
To whoever you are who is reading, thank you for your interest. I’m happy you’re joining me in embarking to the climb to that director’s chair.
0758 PM, Brown Couch
I want you to know that I’m going through hell right now in preparation for our official first day of filming tomorrow. The hardest parts are yet to come.
And I’m practically going to live in Pampanga for the next 2 weeks of my life. I’m just going back to Manila for my graduation ceremonies on April 22. My entire family is flying in from Bacolod and I get to be with them for one day only.
I’m going cray cray. I don’t get the chance to savor and bask in the remaining heydays of student life because I started working immediately. Just today, it totally went out of my mind that I still had a thesis to be bound. I also missed graduation practice to do errands for work. And when I look at my Twitter timeline, all I talk about is anything related to work. It has consumed me.
I wrote about this a few days ago, about how I feel like I’m forced to transition into that “working girl” mindset almost immediately. I do, I really do. I feel like my mind is 3 years older than it is.
I can’t even sleep soundly now because my brain is actively reminding me of pending tasks. In addition to that psycho effect, I get a mini heart attack whenever my phone rings and the blinking screen says it’s our director calling.
Totally cray cray.
But I have no regrets, fellas.
Even if it’s extremely stressful, I am honestly having the time of my life. This is a kind of stress that I could get addicted to (note the GOTYE reference hahaha!) This is it, right here, right now - the things I’ve been wishfully thinking for a few months ago are now materializing.
Let’s just say my future has started earlier than the rest… and there’s no slowing down now.
1008 PM, Outside
Tonight, I was reading the things I wrote in this blog a few months ago. I’m taken aback at how sad and introspective I have been.
“Turning twenty made me realize how awfully brief childhood and adolescence is. The rest of our lives is going to be spent as adults. And now, being an adult makes me think of such things - of what I am becoming year after year… On this day, I’m not asking anything material. I just want my kind heart back and have it able to feel and give love. (from Today, I turn twenty)”
“Our greatest villain isn’t the system, or the government, or even our circumstances. It’s ourselves. Our own cage of flesh and bones ties us down with the decisions we make, hopes we let go, ideologies we put on, and memories we remember… I just want to free myself. (from Fatal Wound)”
”There’s a war inside of me. Everyday, nuclear bombs are dropped, artilleries are fired and casualties pile up. It’s a never-ending battle where everyone is on the losing side. My sickness is my self… My fears have ultimately worn me out. (from Artillery)”
I’ve been publicly writing how I feel towards life and everything in between for five years now. I don’t know if people cared, or if they read. I don’t write for them. I write for myself. I am just surprised how too personal I’ve been. It’s getting dangerous having to share a piece of my subconscious to people I don’t even talk to in real life. To some extent, this life has been an open book to strangers. And the weird thing is, I allow them to.
I look forward to the day I don’t have to do this anymore, to tell how I feel to a blank document, and instead to a listening ear who genuinely cares about the stories I tell.
When I meet you, believe me, I will tell you everything.
1252 AM, Bedlam
I find it surprising how moving on from student life is becoming easy and unemotional for me. Technically, I am still a student since my thesis is still not up for binding (and graduation day is 21 days away) but I noticed that my mindset is gradually evolving into that of a young working adult. And yes, happy is slowly transforming into a yuppie word.
I just feel so… detached.
I need to take two steps back and look at myself and the bigger picture I’m going to be a part of. Am I jumping in and trying to fit in the picture too soon? Am I hastening this growing-up process? Should I linger in the remaining heydays of my careless, reckless and audacious moments a little longer?
It’s just weird that I was thinking of work and career on my ride home, instead of lamenting over my near graduation and departure from a dearly beloved place.
Maybe I am losing my youth. It’s slipping away.
Or maybe I’m just tired.
0344 PM, Near the outlet
For the first time in my life, summer is going to bring a different kind of feeling from very familiar things.
The heat and the humid air won’t remind me of sand between my toes, or the smell of salt from my sun-dried hair. The heat and the humid air would mean long hours waiting in line to process my SSS, and other documents related to adult responsibilities.
Lazy afternoons at home won’t remind me of bumming in the couch in front of the TV. Lazy afternoons would mean restlessness at the reality of unemployment.
Late nights with my computer won’t remind me of movie marathons and surfing the very last pages of the internet. Late nights with my computer would mean fixing my resume and scouting company websites for job openings.
Waking up and getting dressed won’t remind me of denim shorts, tie-dyed tops and summer classes. Waking up and getting dressed would mean setting the alarm at 6 AM and wearing a dull-colored ensemble for a job interview.
Summer. It will signal the bittersweet end of a decade, and the start of something I’m not sure I’m ready for just yet.
I am consumed with sadness, but I hope the odds will be in my favor. That includes my parents (more on this later, when I’m sedated already).
0606 PM, Outside the door
Sometimes I wonder if I’ve ever been genuinely happy in this life. I’m afraid the answer is quite depressing. Too many times, I find myself always chasing after the wind.
Can’t the universe conspire to grant me even just a few minutes of feeling that moment when everything is alright? I’m starting to think my emotional needs are dangerously unmet. Who’s fault is this? Is the world too cold? Or has my heart turned into a vestigial organ?
What makes this worse is that it’s something I’ll have to figure out myself, because the world will not stop for my existential crisis. Being human is painful.
Now I don’t understand if I’m really sad or just dead tired.
Maybe I’m tired of being sad.
I hope I can sleep this off.
0344 PM, CMC lobby
I wish that notification happened in real life.
